So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Boobs speak an international language.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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