The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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