Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
