i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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