Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
