I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
we're so committed to being not committed
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
