I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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