wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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