we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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