Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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