Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
