Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
