My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
