dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
