Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
