There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
