question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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