why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
