he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
