So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's shark week go big or go home
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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