Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
