remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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