Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
