The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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