if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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