I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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