I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
