Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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