dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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