me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize