Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is my gift to your gina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
