Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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