1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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