i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this just has baby written all over it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
