So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
