my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
