Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
