I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
