I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Randomize
