If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
