i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
