I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
