How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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