why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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