Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
