The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
