I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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