My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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