I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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