You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
