i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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