you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
